I got feedback once that I was "too direct." the person giving it framed it as a professional concern — that my communication style might put people off, that I should consider softening my approach. I spent about two weeks trying to figure out what they meant before I realized: they meant I was too direct with them, specifically, about something they didn't want to hear.
this is a thing that happens a lot, especially early in your career when you're still calibrating whose feedback to weight. someone gives you feedback that sounds like it's about you, but it's actually about them. the skill is learning to tell the difference.
The Tells
feedback that's about you is specific and behavioral. "in the meeting on Tuesday, when you interrupted Sarah, it disrupted the flow of the discussion" — that's about you. feedback that's about them is vague and dispositional. "you come across as aggressive" — that's about their reaction to you, which may or may not be useful information depending on context.
the difference between useful critique and projection is something you develop a sense for over time. the vague dispositional feedback is often projection — the person is telling you something about their own comfort level, their own preferences, their own history with people who reminded them of you. it's not nothing. but it's not the same as feedback about your actual behavior.
When It's Both
the complicated cases are when the feedback is both about you and about them. yes, you were direct. yes, that directness made them uncomfortable. both things are true. navigating professional relationships requires holding both truths simultaneously — acknowledging the impact without necessarily changing the behavior.
sometimes the right response to "you're too direct" is to adjust your approach in that specific context. sometimes it's to recognize that the context isn't right for you and move on. sometimes it's to say "I hear that, and I'm going to keep being direct because that's how I work best." all three are valid. the key is making the choice consciously rather than just absorbing the feedback as truth.
The Feedback Worth Keeping
the feedback I've found most useful over the years has come from people who were clearly trying to help me, not manage me. there's a difference in the texture of it. building a network of honest advisors is one of the more valuable things you can do professionally — people who will tell you when you're actually wrong, not just when you're inconvenient.
the "too direct" feedback? I filed it under "useful data about that person" and moved on. I'm still direct. it's still occasionally inconvenient. I'm okay with that.